I have officially been a mom of two under two for about eight weeks now. Both of my little angels are currently sleeping in their respective cribs for afternoon nap. I would approximate that this mutual nap time will last about six minutes. It’s been a bit of a wild ride so far. For those of you with more than two children, mom’s with deployed spouses or single moms, you are literally my heroes. I don’t know how you do it. But like really…how do you do it?

Here are some things I have learned in the last eight weeks:

My first baby seems so big, even though he is still very little.

This has been a big struggle for me. The moment we walked through the door with our daughter, in my head my son aged so much. All of the talk (errr bribery) about big boy this and big boy that often makes me forget that he is still not even two years old. A baby himself by some standards. His whole world just got rocked. And even though he loves his “sissy” it’s a big change that requires some growing pains for everyone.

Someone always needs me. And there’s guilt about that.

Sometimes the stars align and we have blissful moments of happiness for all involved but usually someone needs something that my two hands can’t get fast enough. I am so glad my uptight first time mom personality has softened some. That mom guilt though. My toddler is getting lots of screen time and my daughter is getting lots of swing time. I keep trying to tell myself it’s a season. Triage and tend to the biggest need first.

One was so busy until I had two.

I have a very active toddler. He’s into everything, plays tough, but is oh so sweet. He hates being cooped up in the house for too long which is a bit of an inevitability when a new babe arrives just in time for the holidays/flu season. With my husband’s shift work, I am gaining confidence venturing out with the two of them alone. But I still much prefer man on man coverage to zone. Thank God for grocery pick up!

The newborn is the easy one.

All those things I thought made newborns so challenging are still present. The night feeds. The unpredictable schedule. Maybe they just don’t bother me as much this time because I have seen the other side. The newborn period is racked with emotion and little sleep but it’s so fleeting. Newborns usually only want one of a handful of things. Unlike toddlers who often want things like THOSE fruit snacks on THAT plate in THAT chair NOW! Which is harder to guess than boob or bum wipe?

Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly tough moments. It’s also 100% possible that she is simply an easier baby, but I think a lot of it comes down to my being calmer. My middle of the night googling has gone down 300 fold.

The sibling moments melt your heart.

Watching the way my son gets up from a nap and has to find sissy to say hi or give her a sloppy kiss makes the chaos seem insignificant.

We are figuring out our new family dynamic day by day. My husband is an amazing father, a blessing that cannot be put into words. My daughter sleeps much better than her brother did at this age, which as we all know in the newborn period sleep is life. We read “Hands are not for Hitting” twelve times a day, but the jealousy is turning into a deep sibling bond that I cannot wait to watch bloom throughout their childhoods. Two under two. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I am just hormonal.” I have said this more times in my life than I can remember. At least once a month since age thirteen and about 30 times a day during my pregnancies, breastfeeding, Tuesdays, etc. Per Merriam Webster

A hormone is a natural substance that is produced in the body and that influences the way the body grows or develop.

Let the weight of that sink in for a second. Hormones control everything from hunger to physical attraction. They are medically for lack of a better word, legit. So why do we (especially as women) use the term to explain away true feelings, both physical and emotional?  Its as if the feeling is less reasonable if there is a potential hormonal component, when in fact the opposite may be true. Being pregnant my emotions are running higher than usual. Not to say I am the most even keeled person the rest of the time, but currently my toddler and I are vying for most emotionally stable. Spoiler alert, he’s winning.

In my experience the hardest part of this is the anxiety/snap/guilt cycle as I like to call it. I am worried about _______ which could be anything from “I wonder if my son does have an ear infection?” to “In the event of zombie apocalypse, what could I do to help with survival?” Next something somewhat irritating happens: an entire meal thrown on the floor by my toddler or an empty gas tank when I am running late (I hate being late!) The inevitable annoying parts of life that just sort of happen. And I snap with a wayyyy bigger reaction that probably is appropriate. Then the guilt sinks in. Guilt is actually the worst. Anxiety feeds off of guilt. “I am such a terrible mother. Why don’t I have more patience?” “If I were more organized, I would never run out of gas.” To make myself feel better, I will make an excuse like “Ugh, I am just so hormonal.” Why yes I am. I am growing a human. Is that an excuse to lose my cool constantly? Of course not, but it does not mean my feelings silly or unfounded.

I fully believe that feeling like hormonal complaints are invalid is a core reason anxiety, depression, post-partum anxiety/depression, breastfeeding related hormonal disorders, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, thyroid conditions, the list goes on are under diagnosed/treated in women. We, especially mothers, think we should just handle it. I am in full support of pharmacological treatment for true disorders, especially in combination with therapy. I do believe however, that we could do a lot of good simply by admitting that our physical feelings of yuck and our emotions that we often blow off are valid. That its ok to have a hard time. Its ok to need help. Take Type One Diabetes for example. No one would say “I’m sorry your pancreas doesn’t produce insulin (a hormone), but you really should suck it up and stop being so hormonal.”

Step one is admitting, right?

Now this whole concept is a work in progress. Just ask my husband (Sorry, honey) But I think that if I can legitimize the reason behind my anxiety and guilt, I may actually gain more control and become a little more rational. I mean not completely rational. I am not expecting a personality transplant or anything.  Would I ever tell someone else that their feelings were invalid even if I didn’t understand them? Of course not. We do it to ourselves constantly. My challenge to myself and to you is to give credence to how you are feeling. I am more than just hormonal.

How do hormones impact you? What can you do to legitimize your feelings?

Tonight for dinner, I was so pleased to be able to use the organically grown squash my son and I picked up at the local farm. I find that watching me shave pieces of nature into noodles helps my son develop his fine motor skills. I always strive to live a more organic, kinesthetic philosophy of parenting . After all children are our future. #greenparenting

We’ve all seen this Facebook update. I mean, I’m guilty of trying to make myself look more Pinteresty, more desirable. It is in fact ruining us all. I have mountains of anxiety about precisely this issue, so why would I ever play into it further? Because its what you do. A few friends of mine have recently inspired me to try to be more authentic so here it goes.

We did go to an adorable organic farm this week, Providence Farms in Edmond. We did not go because I am trying to save the planet one organically grown zucchini at a time. We went because they open at 8am and Ben woke up at 5:45. I made a casserole with it because we live in Oklahoma and vegetables are so much better with cheese. Utilizing this as a base recipe:

Photo and recipe credit: https://anitalianinmykitchen.com/grilled-zucchini-double-cheese-tuna-bake/

Ingredients

• 3 medium zucchini sliced (not too thin) lengthwise and grilled
• 6 ounces tuna 140 grams
• 1 1/2 tablespoons bread crumbs 10 grams
• 1 cup shredded firm mozzarella 100 grams
• 1 egg slightly beaten
• 1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese + extra for sprinkling 25 grams
• 1 tablespoon olive oil 15 grams
• 1/2 teaspoon salt 2.6 grams
• 1/2 teaspoon parsley .3 grams
• 1/2 cup white sauce homemade or storebought 120 grams
• HOMEMADE WHITE SAUCE**
• 1 tablespoons butter 15 grams
• 1 tablespoon flour 13 grams
• 1/2 pinch salt
• 1 1/4 cups milk 280 grams

1. Pre-heat oven to 350° (180° celsius), lightly grease a deep (8×6 inch / 20×15 centimeter) baking dish
2. In a medium bowl mix together, tuna, bread crumbs, mozzarella, egg, Parmesan, olive oil, salt and parsley.
3. Line the baking dish to cover the bottom with grilled zucchini top with 1/3 tuna mixture and pour half the white sauce on top, cover with another layer of grilled zucchini, 1/3 tuna mixture and remaining half of the white sauce, cover with remaining grilled zucchini, tuna mixture and sprinkle with freshly grated parmesan (how much you want), bake for approximately 20-25 minutes, let sit 5 minutes and serve. Enjoy!
4. **Homemade White Sauce: In a small pot on medium heat add the butter until melted, add flour and salt and whisk to combine, add milk and continue whisking until thickened. Remove from heat.

I bet it would have been delicious. Problem was I had no bread crumbs, Parmesan, or patience.

My version involved swapping breadcrumbs for StoveTop Stuffing. Obviously, you have this on hand after an August trip to Target while hungry and pregnant. I prepared the stuffing and used it as a layer. There was additionally no grilling of zucchini. Whatever random squash I bought was shaved thin and used as noodles without the benefit of aesthetically pleasing grill marks. Layer mystery squash, tuna/Stovetop mixture, and white sauce in lasagna fashion. Be sure to eat a handful of shredded mozzarella. Top with extra cheese and some crushed up potato chips because 1) My MIL always used potato chips in her tuna noodle casserole and I didn’t one time and it was “fine” but not the same 2)  This is America. 3) If my husband errr…toddler is eating squash instead of real noodles I am thrilled enough and will entice with whatever necessary. 350 for 50 min. Pairs well with Chardonnay and zero ounces of motherhood guilt.

Authors note: I wish I could really have had it with chardonnay. #pregnant